Think back to the last time you failed or made an important mistake. Do you still blush with shame, and scold yourself for having been so stupid or selfish? Do you tend to feel alone in that failure, as if you were the only person to have erred?
Or do you accept that error is a part of being human, and try to talk to yourself with care and tenderness? For many people, the most harshly judgemental responses are the most natural. Indeed, we may even take pride in being hard on ourselves as a sign of our ambition and resolution to be our best possible self.
But a wealth of research shows that self-criticism often backfires — badly. Besides increasing our unhappiness and stress levels, it can increase procrastination , and makes us even less able to achieve our goals in the future.
Instead of chastising ourselves, we should practice self-compassion: greater forgiveness of our mistakes, and a deliberate effort to take care of ourselves throughout times of disappointment or embarrassment. If you are a cynic, you may initially baulk at the idea. Importantly, it also helps us to learn from the mistakes that caused our upset in the first place.
We all make errors, but self-compassion can help us forgive ourselves and take better care during disappointment and embarrassment Credit: Alamy. In the late 90s, she was going through a painful divorce. Research is probabilistic. Just because something works for most people or people in research studies does not mean that it will work for you. Run a short experiment e. Do you feel more compassionate towards yourself, loved ones, strangers, difficult people when utilizing formal e.
Students in my compassion training classes receive a workbook, which contains a daily practice log and space for comments. It is only with reflection that we can get a sense of whether these practices are actually benefitting us immediately or in the longer-term. This allows us to continue the routine of logging and reflecting and also allows us to examine patterns to the days where we are not practicing—perhaps what we are choosing to do instead of meditating is a higher priority, or perhaps what we are doing instead is not actually adding value to our lives.
Running this experiment does not require a workbook, purchasing a fancy meditation cushion, or buying trendy new yoga clothes. These practices, which are thousands of years old, can be done right in the comfort of your own home, at the office, in your car, or really anywhere, just as you are. Afterward, reflection can take many forms—and you should adopt one that works for you. In my experience as a meditation student and as a meditation teacher, the practices are initially helpful when done with the guidance of an instructor.
The instructor can answer questions, help troubleshoot and problem-solve, and, most importantly, help you stick with and come back to your practice.
This notion can get lost at times when doing these practices in solitude. You might find support at a religious community or center in your area, if you have one. More compassionate societies —those that take care of their most vulnerable members, assist other nations in need, and have children who perform more acts of kindness—are the happier ones. Compassionate people are more socially adept, making them less vulnerable to loneliness; loneliness has been shown to cause stress and harm the immune system.
Compassion meditation: Cultivate compassion toward a loved one, yourself, a neutral person, and even an enemy.. Put a human face on suffering: When reading the news, look for profiles of specific individuals and try to imagine what their lives have been like. Eliciting altruism: Create reminders of connectedness.
Look for commonalities: Seeing yourself as similar to others increases feelings of compassion. A recent study shows that something as simple as tapping your fingers to the same rhythm with a stranger increases compassionate behavior. The practice of mindfulness can help us feel safer in these situations, facilitating compassion. This is a valuable lesson for teachers, who can promote cooperative learning in the classroom.
Notice and savor how good it feels to be compassionate. Studies have shown that practicing compassion and engaging in compassionate action bolsters brain activity in areas that signal reward. To cultivate compassion in kids, start by modeling kindness: Research suggests compassion is contagious , so if you want to help compassion spread in the next generation of young men and women, lead by example. Curb inequality: Research suggests that as people feel a greater sense of status over others , they feel less compassion.
This article — and everything on this site — is funded by readers like you. Explore Classes. Physician and New York Times bestselling author. Lissa Rankin, M. Lissa has starred in two National Public Television specials and also leads workshops, both online and at retreat centers like Esalen and Kripalu. Last updated on January 21, The virtue of compassion is universally valued. Start by practicing self-compassion. Move beyond your self-referencing. Practice kindness, without people-pleasing.
Relax your judgments. Listen generously. Heal your own trauma. Practice presence. Practice radical self-care. Try the Day Compassion Challenge. Sarah Regan. With Esther Perel.
Jamie Schneider. Emma Loewe.
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